Off Duty Mom

Thoughts from an exhausted mom who is NEVER really "off duty"

Archive for the tag “toddlers”

Whatchu want? Baby, I got it.

When you are preparing to have a baby, the universe inundates you with an enormous list of items you supposedly need. It is a scam, really. You don’t need even a third of that crap. And there are many tricks, substitutes and sneaky ideas you can employ to save time, money, sanity or all three.

First of all, if your baby will spend his first three months in hot weather, all you need are short-sleeved bodysuits and short-sleeved t-shirts.  They can be plain white, too, because your baby can’t read and he thinks that his clothes are neither cute nor cool.  He will just poop and puke on them, anyway.  You can save a boatload of money by going to your local bulk club warehouse store or discount retailer and buying only these ordinary items for his first several weeks.  The bodysuits are good for daytime as they won’t ride up in the stroller, carseat or crib.  At night, you will save a few precious moments if you use t-shirts as diaper changing will be so easy with nothing to snap, clasp or move in the dark.  If your baby, however, will spend his first three months in cold weather, all you need are footed pajamas.  Save yourself some trouble and get only ones that zip.  Snaps are too obnoxiously annoying at 4 am.  He can sleep, play, eat and scoot around in pajamas all of the time.  And, outfits are cumbersome as they have too many parts you’ll need to keep your baby warm.  You will need a bodysuit, pants, sweatshirt and socks.  Too much.  Just put him in PJs.  They’re sweats and socks, but all together in one piece.  You’re welcome.

Next — you do NOT need a diaper wipe warmer.  Your baby really will not care about the temperature of the wipes.  I promise.  Don’t waste your money.

Okay — here’s a tip:  you don’t need anything before brining home your baby except a car seat and a safe place for the baby to sleep.  The hospital will give you a long-sleeved t-shirt for your baby to wear.  They will even swaddle her in a flannel blanket and give her a hat.  I was even given a small container of baby bath gel, diapers, diaper rash ointment, wipes, formula samples, changing table covers (paper ones), and a comb.  You can’t leave the hospital without a carseat, though, so you do have to get that key item.  Unless, I suppose, you live next door to the hospital, in which case you could probably walk home.  And, you may not need a crib at first, even, as many babies don’t want to sleep in something that vast when they’re very new and small.  You can possibly get away with a bassinet, swing or play yard, as long as it is safe.  Please refer to pediatric guidelines to find out if your device will provide a safe place for your baby to rest.  

 http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/babies-kids/index.htm

http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/category/child.html

Once you get home, you may feel a panic about needing to go out and buy some items you forgot, didn’t know you’d need, or didn’t have time to purchase before your quick delivery.  http://www.diapers.com/ is a nice site and it offers free 2-day (or faster) delivery if you spend enough–  at least $49.  It is not at all hard to spend $49 or more on baby items, either.  A case of diapers will get you close.  And, while we’re on the topic, skip newborn-sized diapers and go straight to size 1.  It’s what the hospital will put on your kid, anyway.  And, if your baby is born big, newborn diapers may not even be appropriate.  Or, if your baby gains weight quickly, newborn diapers may not get you very far.  Whatever sizes or items you choose, Diapers.com can deliver them to you often within 24 hours.  They’ve got everything, too — diapers, wipes, soap, baby bathtubs, clothes, humidifiers, formula, sheets, decorations…  Spending ONLY $49 is more of your problem here.

Now, everyone loves to buy them, but you do not need hooded towels and the cute, matching baby washcloths.  Whatever towels you’re using in your bathroom right now are just fine.  The hoods are unnecessary and the towels are pretty small, so if your baby grows quickly like mine both did, they’ll be too small to wrap around them by about 9 months, anyway.  Baby washcloths are no different than regular washcloths, except for the fact that they’ll be rendered useless after about a year’s worth of use.

And, speaking of unneeded fabric items, baby bedding is an enormous industry scam.  The adorable, expensive 5-piece (plus) sets you can buy can often set you back a few hundred dollars.  Here’s what you need:  a sheet.  Yep.  That’s it.  A sheet.  If you’re trying to make things easier for yourself, though, you’ll get a few sheets and a few sheet protectors.  Layer one sheet, then a protector, then a sheet, then a protector and so on.  As your baby soils or wets a sheet in the middle of the night, just peel off the dirty stuff and there’s a clean sheet underneath.  No wrestling with changing a bed a 3 am.  Blankets, pillows and quilts are cute, but aren’t even allowed to be in your baby’s bed at all due to fears of SIDS.  And, diaper stackers are a frivolous, unnecessary accessory.  Put your diapers in a basket or box.  For no money at all, you can upcycle the box your diapers came in with some Mod Podge, pretty cut or torn paper or cards and ribbon left over from your shower gifts.  You can keep your diapers, wipes, lotions, etc. in that.  And, it is a cute reminder of your celebration with your family and friends.  Or, for less work (I mean, really, did I just recommend decoupaging with a newborn at home?  WTF?), just put your diapers on a shelf or in a drawer already in the room.  Frankly, you may end up finding that changing your baby on the floor is plenty easy, anyway, so you can just set a few diapers in the corner, for crying out loud.  But, please don’t buy a frigging diaper stacker.  YOU DON’T NEED IT.

The list of things you do not need is very long:  medicine droppers (your pharmacy and doctor’s office has these for free), baby brushes (even if he’s got tons of hair, the free comb you can get in the hospital will do you just fine), a mobile (only permitted in a crib for three months due to choking, strangulation and other health concerns once your baby can grab it), stuffed toys (not permitted in cribs due to fears of SIDS and your child won’t be able to hold or play with one for about a year, anyway), nightlights (toddlers and older children will be thankful for them, but your baby doesn’t know to be afraid of the dark and will sleep better if you help her figure out what “night” really is supposed to look like), burp cloths (just get more swaddling blankets and use them interchangeably as burp cloths, too since some of that spit-up will be too plentiful for the tiny burp cloths you will get), baby-specific laundry soap and cleaning solutions (just get dye- and fragrance-free versions of your own detergent.  It’s cheaper.  And use plain vinegar for cleaning your house.  It only smells bad for a minute and it kills germs and keeps your floors shockingly clean).  Wow.  I could name several more, but instead invite other experienced moms to comment here with their suggestions, too.

Soon, I will let you know about some other items that aren’t vital, but will make your life a little easier, to comment on some of the “dos” instead of just all of the “don’ts.”

I welcome your ideas and feedback!

…Or Get Off the Pot

How hard can it be to potty train a three-year old?

If you have to ask, you probably don’t really want to know.  

Yeah... This "potty" stuff doesn't always go as planned, I guess.

DAY 1 — After reading some parenting magazine article about how to potty train a kid in one weekend, I decide to employ the potty training technique where you introduce the potty and then usher the kid to it every 15 minutes without fail.  This is even more gruelling than I thought it would be and I get far less accomplished than I imagined in my wildest dreams.  The 15-minute interval regimen doesn’t even last until lunchtime before it slowly goes to every 20 minutes, then 30.  But, all in all we’re fairly successful and pottying and pleasing Mommy seem to be good motivators.

DAY 5 — Making Mommy happy?  Who gives a shit?  Not my preschooler.  So, we hang a reward poster in the hall and my little guy gets to put a sticker on it every time he successfully gets something – anything – in that potty instead of his pull-up.  Thomas stickers work better than Elmo.  And, Toy Story stickers seem to work best of all.  Whatever.

DAY 10 — If Mommy remembers every hour or two to tell her son to use the potty, he generally will.  But, he will NOT alert her to his need to use said potty.  Fine.  I can hang in there.  How long could this process take?

DAY 14 — After reading another theory about potty training, we decide to repeat a hundred million times each day “Pee goes in the potty,” or “poop goes in the potty.”  We hear that these statements are the only ones you need and the only ones that matter.  Bullshit.

DAY 23 — I read another philosophy of potty training for boys that informs me that they will use a potty “when they are each individually ready.”  I am not to pressure a youngster who is not developmentally prepared for this adult endeavor.  So, I feel like an ass for all the yelling I have been doing when pee and poop have ended up in anywhere but in the toilet.  Clearly, I am the worst mom in America for pushing my three-year old to aim for Froot Loops in the family commode.

DAY 32 — Seriously?  32 days now?  He’ll be wearing diapers at his wedding.  Do I even bother to buy more pull-ups or should I just give up and put diapers on him again?  Ugh.

DAY 36 — We haul out the Toy Story and Thomas-themed big-boy undies.  The hope is that he wouldn’t dare crap all over Buzz Lightyear.  That hope is soon lost.  So is the hope of rearranging my living room couch again.  It…um…should really stay right where it is on top of that carpet.

DAY 65 — We set out for family vacation to the beach.  The new plan coincides with yet another theory published by another genius pediatrician.  Let him be naked.  He won’t just pee all over himself.  Oh yeah? 

DAY 66 — Okay.  So, we decide not to put a pull-up or swim diaper under the swim trunks on vacation.  Pull-ups only at night.  For the most part, this works nicely, but we still have to be vigilant about telling him to use the bathroom.  At least he will hold it until we tell him to go.  But, in all this time he has not once told us that he had to go.

DAY 74 — While running around in his swim trunks, little guy says, “Mommy, I have to poop!”  Victory!  We rush to a toilet and he uses it properly, quickly and efficiently.  We’ve done it!!

DAY 99 — Yeah… It’s day 99.  We most certainly have NOT “done it.”  We’re on our 477,000th package of pull-ups, I am sure. 

Fuck you, mom-whose-kid-that-is-who-pooped-where-you-wanted-him-to.

DAY 100 — On the 12-hour ride home from the beach, the little man refuses to use the potty all day.  We find him at the end of the evening, sitting happily on a completely soaked car booster, watching a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse DVD in the car.  He is drenched from the waist down.  He literally drips when we take him our of the car.  Thank God for leather seats.

DAY 102 — Little guy starts preschool.  Surely the positive peer pressure from other trained kids will make him want to use the potty more regularly himself.  Right?

DAY 109 — Little guy stinks to high heaven when I pick him up from preschool.  The kids still PLAYED with you while you stunk like that?

DAY 114 — I start giving prizes (bribes) for successful pottying and dry/clean pull-ups and I start taking away privileges when the little guy sneaks off to another room to crouch down and poop in his pants.  One conversation goes like this:  “Do you want to play with your fire truck?”  “Yes!!!”  “Okay, then no pooping in your pants.  Do you understand?”  “Understand.”  “Okay.  Good.”  “Mommy?  I pooped.”  “Okay, so you don’t want to play with your fire truck, then?”  “Noooooooo!!! I dooo!!!  I dooo want to play with my fire truuuuuck!!!  I doooooooooooooo!  Aghhhhhh!!!”  “Well, I said that you could play with your fire truck only if you don’t poop in your pants.”  “Aghhhhh!!! Noooo!!!  I dooooooooo!!!  Gimme that!!!  Give it to me right noooooww!!!”  “Well, we can try again tomorrow.  If you stay clean and dry, you can play with it tomorrow.”  You can imagine that this went on for some time.  And, on Day 115, he did not manage to stay clean or dry.  At one point, he peed so much, he soaked through his pull-up and pants, it dripped into his shoes and created a puddle on my hardwood floor.

DAY 129 — This all has spun widly out of control and has become a real power struggle.  As he seeks autonomy, his control of his body is really the only thing in his little world he can much control anymore at all.  So, he flatly refuses now to use the potty.  In fact, “Please go potty and wash your hands” is now typicaly the catalyst for little guy throwing himself on the floor violently, thrashing, screaming and crying.  Advice from other parents has led me to believe that ignoring a tantrum is the best methodology.  But, those parents never met my kid. I think he’s better at it than their kids.

DAY 159 — Consult with little guy’s preschool teacher: a 26-year education veteran who owns her own Montessori preschool that has churned out some of the brightest scholars in our town.  She assures us that his behavior is NOT abnormal, that he’s just testing his boundaries and that no kid goes to high school in diapers unless he has a developmental or medical problem.  So we are to chill the fuck out.

DAY 177 — It is hard to stay chill when I have now cleaned crap out of someone else’s crack for three and a half years now.  And, I have another infant in the house now, so I have two in diapers, essentially, though I specifically waited three years between their births to avoid this very thing.  Awesome.

DAY 185 — I give little guy a new toy for staying dry all night.  He is so excited.  Ten minutes later, he throws it on the floor and screams that he doesn’t want it.  He wants Skarloey, a new train.  Tough break, kid.

DAY 198 — 8:00 AM:  little guy tells dad he has to poop, then uses the potty all on his own to take aforementioned poop.  9:15AM:  little guy pees in his pull-up.  7:30PM:  little guy hides under the dining room table and poops in his pants.  His play date, a sweet little girl (potty trained at age 2) lets me know he “is playing hide-n-seek.  I found him.  He’s under the table.  He pooped.”

DAY 204 — Another article in some other magazine suggests that I should help my little man to recognize when he needs to use the toilet.  Lady, he RECOGNIZES it just fine.  I swear he just wants to piss me off.  You got advice for that? 

DAY 205 — The smell of feces is now permanently lodged in my sinuses.  I will never be poo free.

DAY 210 — That’s today.  You thought this was going to have a happy ending, didn’t you?  You thought I was going to tell you what finally worked and I was going to get to tell you about how all of this was worth it and it has been a long journey, but that I am proud of my son and I am so happy to have been a part of helping him get closer to manhood and closer to the independence he so desperately seeks himself.  Well, you must be new to this blog.  My kid just told me, “I pooped ’cause I was being a bad boy.  Now, come change me.”  Hmmm…  

Three-year olds. Yikes.

Now, if you aren’t a mom, or if you don’t already know, my kid isn’t an indignant little jerkface.  THREE IS JUST THE WORST AGE IMAGINAGBLE.  I used to look at friends’ kids and think “God, why is he such a little shit?”  Now I know.  THEY ALL ARE.  Don’t believe the “terrible twos” hype.  If you’ve never raised a child through three-dom, you simply can’t understand  One day, perhaps the Off Duty Mom blog will change from being a rant-filled, angsty bitchfest and be a rosy dialogue about how beautiful children are.  When they’re 34.

A Mom and Her “Friend”

“I’m a mom of two,” she said today.

“My days and nights don’t end.”

“Now, now…there, there, it can’t be that bad,” offered a “friend.”

“There’s poop and puke, croup and tears

“Then there’s colic, too

“And, why the hell did no one tell me age three’s much worse than two?”

Her friend looked shocked.  “What do you mean?”

She didn’t help at all.

“I just always think being a mom is such a terrific ball!”

“Come on,” she said, “you know it’s hard always being ‘on.’

“There’s never a break – a chance – a breath

“And something’s always wrong.

“Strained peas in hair, temper tantrums, midnight feeds and more

“I’m sad to remember five years ago

“When my life was such a bore.”

“Me, too,” “friend” said. “My childless days were the worst I had!

“Carpools, playdates, chores and more

“Make ME so very glad!”

Reaching in the fridge just then made her smile a bit.

She poured a glass of wine just then

And took just one small sip.

She slid the dirty glass to “friend” and smiled like an elf

Then she kept the rest of the bottle

To finish for herself.

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