Off Duty Mom

Thoughts from an exhausted mom who is NEVER really "off duty"

Coulda Done Without…

Tell me, friends:  who among us cannot appreciate the beauty in the little things in life?

Ah, the beauty of the world around us.  Some days I just can't fucking find it.

Ah, the beauty of the world around us. Some days I just can’t fucking find it

I can’t.

Sometimes even the voices in my own head are of people I’d like to punch in the trachea.

The past two days have been days like that.  I have felt a permanent snarl on my face.  It isn’t iconic like Billy Idol’s or quirky like Elvis’ or cute like a puppy’s.  It is the physical manifestation of disappointment in the human race.  It is the muscular byproduct of my involvement in a culture of stupidity.

Let’s explore some things that are wacky, ridiculous, senseless or just generically aggravating for thinking people.

Strange Days, indeed

Strange Days, indeed

1.  Television.  I have before chronicled my irritation with some modern-day children’s programming.  What has happened?  Where are the Snorks?  Can I get some Great Space Coaster up in here?  I miss my Electric Company.  I feel sorry for kids today who will never learn who is “bouncing here and there and everywhere,” with “high adventure that’s beyond compare.”

2.  Modern technology and inventions.  Now, I am not going to bitch about kids who try sexting, or about the problems with Windows 8.  I am going to complain about the inventions of items such as antenna balls, the Snuggie, the ShamWow, The Shake Weight, the Flowbee, the KFC “Double Down,” and the laser disc.  Where are we going, world?  I don’t want to know what is next up for a world that has invented the wearable DVD player, “Two Broke Girls,” and those little decorative pieces of junk that you cram in the holes of your equally stupid Crocs.

3.  Baby Names from Mars.  What are some of you thinking?  Now, I am really sorry if you are the proud mother of an Orangejello, Nevaeh, Q’Daunteus, Le-A, Yummalewis, Princess, Rambo, Angelbaby, Cha Cha, Kredonshea, Sugar, Zither or Falopiana.  Actually, I am sorrier for your kids.

4.  Prissy Drinkers.  When I was in college, I was repeatedly annoyed by girls who would go to frat parties and not be willing to drink beer.  “I don’t liiiiiike beer,” they’d twirl their hair and whine.  Really, assclown?  You came to a FRAT PARTY.  Oh, yes, Sweet Cheeks, let me get you a Pomegranate Cosmo.  You’re 19.  Drink Schlitz with the rest of the crew.  And, get your hands on that barrel and your feet in the air and be fun, dammit.

5.  The Discriminatory Childless.  Everyone’s an expert, right?  There is no shortage of people out there who have no children of their own, but who will roll eyes, scoff, or even offer unwelcome advice about you and your kids.  Now, I used to be one of the Discriminatory Childless.  And, then I had two kids.  And, now I am sorry to that mother I yelled at at Wal-Mart that one time.

Tell that to the perky-perks.

Tell that to the perky-perks.

6.  The Habitually Optimistic.  I am a grump by nature.  It is just who I am.  My husband asks me all the time “what’s wrong” or mentions, sweetly of course, that I “look miserable.”  Most of the time I am not what I would say is “miserable.”  But, I am adorably misanthropic.  Well, at least that is how I like to think of myself.  But nothing makes me grumpier than when I am faced with a perky, doe-eyed happy-cat.  You know the type.  Ever see “Office Space?”  I think about “Accounts Payable, Nina Speaking…JUST a moment!” repeated enough times to make me want to vomit all over her rainbow-colored world.

Feel free to share with me the things you could do without in this world.  Grump with me.  Try it.  First one’s free.


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4 thoughts on “Coulda Done Without…

  1. I actually kind of like the name Nevaeh. A girl I went to college with just named her boy Urijah. WORST NAME EVER. It remains me of Uranus, urine, urethra, and vagina… I want to block her on facebook because I find the name that horrible that I don’t even like to read it.

  2. Piper George on said:

    I agree with everything – except the ‘equally stupid Crocs’. Sorry – but I find my crocs quite handy. Ok – not for going out in public! Come on people, there are limits.
    However, for dashing out into the garden to catch escaped chickens and small children – very handy. When I need to go out for 2 minutes to let the puppy pee, I can actually wedge my feet inside them whilst still wearing my slippers! No need to get cold feet. Brilliant.
    Sorry – crocs are handy.

    But while we are talking stupid inventions. Playsuits. Onesies. Worse still, playsuits and onesies for adults! Why are you walking about in babygros ladies? Why? Firstly, even if you have some small amount of self respect and stay in your own home, you have to strip off to pee. It’s impractical and cold. If you tried that in our unheated draughty toilet, you would soon go back to some combination that meant exposing as little of you as possible to the air.
    As for wearing them in public. !!! NO!

  3. Loved this post. I am not nearly as cynical as you, but I can totally appreciate where you are coming from. I hear it a lot from my husband. 😉

    • Indeed. I have a cynicism disease. A sarcasm disorder. I assure you that in real life I am abso-freakin’-lutely delightful, though.

      Thanks for your comment. Let me know if your husband needs new friends. I like hanging with like-minded peeps.

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