Off Duty Mom

Thoughts from an exhausted mom who is NEVER really "off duty"

I don’t care how your vagina looks

Why is the Brazilian Bikini Wax even a thing?

I mean, honestly, why is it sexy to leaf through Playboy and ogle women who are adults from the belly-button up, but are 9-year olds from the shorn labia down?

I suppose I understand the arguments one might make about staying appropriately groomed for swimwear and…well…that’s actually the only argument I can think I might understand.  But, I am a little wierded out by the long-running trend that glorifies having a stranger toss your ankles in the air, stick her face near your C-U-Next-Tuesday, and forcibly tear out your pubic hair by the root en masse.

What is the male equivalent of this phenomena?  What do our gentlemen friends have to do stay sexy?  Um, get a job?  Not wear Wife-beaters?  Take out the garbage?  Kill spiders?  Steer clear of Crocs, skinny jeans, and pleated khakis?

And, pray tell, why are we as a society — a WORLD society — so preoccupied with private orifices?

For example…

–How did Vaginal Rejuvenation surgery come to be?  After children, no woman’s lady parts look like blossoming lotus flowers anymore.  That’s life.  Whatevs.

–Who invented Anal Bleaching?  Has anyone ever seen an anus that needed to be bleached?  I don’t understand.  Is it…um…dirty…so the process is like bleaching your kid’s socks after he played flag football in the yard without shoes, or is it a skin color issue and a matter of the monstrous impact of white-normed culture that is the culprit here?

–Did you know that you can get your hymen restitched?  In some parts of the world, it is critical that a woman be a virgin upon marriage.  So, in case you said “fuck you” to that tradition and now have some Buyer’s Remorse, or if you accidentally jogged and opened your hymen (as is the case, apparently for most women — hymens split through natural means), you can recreate the illusion of childhood-fresh vagina-dom with Hymen Repair surgery.  Wow.

–If you don’t like how large, small, or misshapen your clitoris is, you can change that, too, through specialized plastic surgery.  Now, really.  I understand women who have suffered through Female Genital Mutilation, but I wonder how many people, statistically, have this surgery for vanity’s sake.  I don’t mean to judge, but I actually wonder why our society puts so much pressure on appearance that women feel the need to adjust this (normally) hidden part of their bodies.

–Men aren’t totally immune to this, either, though their options are more limited and the number of men who partake is grossly smaller.  There are numerous schemes, pills, devices, surgeries and home remedies to help men enlarge their penises, though.  (Is that correct?  penises?  Might it be peni?  I have never had much use for plural penises [hee hee — that’s what she said]).  There are also options for men who want to tighten their ball skin to reduce sag and options for men to be circumcised as adults.  Ouch.  While the former may be for vanity (but may more often be to improve sexual function or prowess) the latter, I assume, is more often performed for medical reasons to relieve discomfort.  These are not just to make them more attractive.

Look:  I believe in freedom.  Have yourselves waxed, dyed, plucked, primped, tanned, pedicured, shaved, implanted, lifted, Botoxed, reshaped, liposucked, dieted, styled and glossed if, when, and how you want.

But, don’t be surprised when the phenomena into which you fall becomes the topic of a post from your friendly neighborhood blogger as she rants about cultural obsessions with human undercarriage.

All I wonder is this:  have we gone too far?

At what point will humankind ever just be satisfied with things as they are?  At what point will people begin to accept one another?  When might we begin to see and celebrate uniqueness instead of trying to rip, tear, pluck and reconstruct into some weirdly agreed-upon ideal?  When do we start to love and accept one another BECAUSE of, not IN SPITE of our differences?

I imagine that will happen…um…never.

I blame video games.  And gun violence.  And Global Warming.  And President Bush.  Either one.  It doesn’t really matter.

What say you?  Feel like dabbling in some anal bleaching or hymen reconstruction yourself?  Want to recommend ball tightening to someone?  Ever seen a clitoris that really needed a makeover?  I would love to know about the circumstances.  I am all ears (actually, if I were, in fact, ALL ears, would I have to get plastic surgery on them to be pretty?).

I look forward to your comments.


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19 thoughts on “I don’t care how your vagina looks

  1. I just watched a stand-up that talked about when did men have a world conference and decide it was better to make our nether-regions look like that of a baby. I forgot her name. I don’t know when it became a big deal for a shaved p**** either, I just know I started doing it late in life. I feel more comfortable for some reason with it like that. It’s almost scary when you look at old school pornography and see the cultural difference of big tufts of hair on top and down below. I don’t know. I blame Sex and the City for most of it.

  2. Yes, we have gone too far–but I do not blame President Bush (lol)

  3. samyforever on said:

    omg, that beginning part was so funny!!

    • Thanks. I fancy myself a bit of a misguided comedienne.

      I always find myself frickin’ hilarious. Others often view me as a bit of an acquired taste.

      Glad I could make you smile, though.


  4. I heard about such things–anal bleaching, hymen reconstruction, never heard of the clit surgery though. And would you believe I see such things such as “virginity soaps” on sale, supposedly they make you tighter when you use them to wash down there. o.O I’d never do such things, try such services or products.

    However, I am a self-confessed fan of sugaring–which is basically same as waxing only less painful. I like getting my brazilian even if no one will actually be seeing my privates. I consider it relieving. Really takes off stress for me, to lie down in a sugaring salon and have the hair pulled off. Not really painful at all, and unlike your description, the waxer doesn’t really poke her face near my parts. I’ve been born smooth and hair free all over my body, even the hair on my head tends to be thin. For some reason I only have thick hair down there and it annoys me a lot. I’m not used to it. It just… no. I just don’t like the feeling.

    • I have never heard of sugaring. I will totally be Googling that, though, now.

      I love learning new things!

      • It’s basically the same as waxing, except they use a sugar + lime juice sticky mixture. There are no waxing strips involved or spatulas. Just a gooey sticky ball of sugar. And then they pull in the direction the hair grows (instead of against it, like in waxing) so it is worlds less painful. If you’ve googled that, you probably already know though.

        I don’t find it awkward. The sugaring salon I go to is really reputable, has the look of a very cozy spa so it’s really relaxing, and me and the waxer just have easy chats about nonsense. It’s not like the scenes I see where women get waxed down there and they look like they’re in a creepy hospital room about to get a surgery.

      • I have visions in my head about lying on a hospital-looking bed for some hair-removing “procedure”!

        Your way sounds a zillion times better…

  5. Piper George on said:

    Oh my goodness I am wheezing with laughter. Anal bleaching – would you ever?! I mean, why?
    Very funny post. I have to say, I do not understand it either, if it’s purely vanity. Whilst having things tidy is hygienic and, erm, ‘user friendly’ I do not understand the full Brazilian thing. I am not sure I entirely believe it. I mean, I can’t imagine going to see a beautician (vagician?) and exposing myself to that stranger. How far away would you have to drive to find one that you have no chance of meeting in Tesco’s later that afternoon? So, I do not believe they really do it. I am not sure I really understand what a Brazilian consists of. I mean, I have been told but – returning to my original questions – would you ever?!

  6. I am really pleased to see this post. I have been having the same conversation in my head for years, wanting to do my own post but not sure how to do it – you managed beautifully! I wanted to tell girls if a bloke asks you to go get a brazilian ask him if he wants a woman or a child. Men need to get a grip and realise the difference between real people and porn. The whole thing frustrates me!

    • Very much agree with you. The entertainment industry (porn included) has really skewed they concept of womanhood, in my opinion. The overwhelming ideals relating to beauty and “normalcy” have dramatically changed to the point where God-given breasts are now ugly and you need 14 different make-up brushes to make your eyebrows look “good.”

      It’s tough out there for the ladies. We idolize plastic. We have acquired distaste for reality.

      What to do?

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